Sunday, February 15, 2009

AWP... or how sam pink's clone became the most stolen book in awp history

I have no idea where to begin here, so I will randomly number list my most memorable things: (excluding, indecent, ridiculous, illegal, absurd shit that nobody needs to know if they werent there with me to experience it)

1. how much love and support i've received for dogzplot and paper hero press. thank you to everyone who visited me at the table and/or said what's up and/or bought our books and/or took our free condoms and/or entered our flash fiction contest. thanks again to sean lovelace for choosing the winner winner chicken dinner.

1a. not realizing that one of the people who wrote a flash was standing right in front of the table when we threw his submission on the floor beside the garbage can.

1b. realizing how easy it is to begin discussing anal and oral with random strangers when you put free condoms out on the table.

1c. giving our dirtiest, sexiest chapbooks away to old women when they walked by.

1d. selling/distributing over 500 books.

1e. watching people steal sam pink's clone book off the chair beside the table when they didn't think i was watching. 24 total. so i am guessing that makes sam pink's clone the most stolen book at awp 09.

1f. how cool it was when a 60-70 year old man bought clone, then came back saturday and said he read it and it meant more to his soul than bukowski. can i get an amen?

1g. finding out who wrote all the anonymous submissions.

2. sharing a table with rachel and her husband matt from cella's round trip. easily the coolest people i met all week.

3. buddy guy's.

4. visiting all the friends i only get to see when something literary happens.

5. meeting all the people i've only known online and meeting everyone who introduced themselves that i did not know previously. im not gonna name drop but everyone knows who they are. i will only mention blake butler because he was the only man to give me a hug. a great hug. blake is a great hugger. and sam pink because i got to meet him and bullshit and hang out for a few. oh wait. stefan hugged me too.

5a. listening to woman after woman ask for sam after he left.

6. watching peter schwartz read his poetry and then throw his shirt off and tell everyone he's losing his self control then he broke out in a song, a spiritual. that was at the orange alert reading. thanks again jason.

7. not being allowed into the place across the street from the orange alert reading because i left my id back at the hotel.

8. not being allowed in the south loop.

9. drinking some old man's beer that he left on the table.

10. meeting liz and jillian, the creative writing folks at rosemont, in philly.

11. flying/crashing the magic helicopter.

12. being too pussy to drink a full shot of bourbon so elizabeth had to pour me a half shot but she still let me keep the shot glass.

13. licking mike alber's face.

14. stopping to piss on some building on michigan ave and the people i were walking with left me and kept walking like i was some piece of trash.

15. americana submarine. only place open 24 hours.

16. the crazy fucking cab driver from chicago who took his hands off the wheel and rolled the windows down and gave the finger to some building in the city and started screaming fuck you donald trump, we dont need your fucking money in our city. then he started driving faster and yelling about other stupider shit.

17. judging the flash fiction slam for wilkes university. thanks jim warner. you're the man.

18. dozing off for ten minutes or so in the second row of the only panel i attended. (sorry juked, hobart, ninth letter, mississippi review, and two others i dont remember, except the indian guy who was funny and said a lot of things that made sense to me). good panel, but my eyes were itchy and heavy.

19. trading sam pink's book for a pack of gum.

20. watching bill barr win the awp 2009 flash fiction slam.

21. that sam dude in the 3 piece suit who was getting hit on by all these women but he blew them all off to chase some scrawny 18 yr old. sam's dance moves were killer.

22. the cigar i got from jereme. thanks bro.

23. driving around in circles lost and on wild fucking goose chases for the first three hours i was in chicago. fuck your road system chicago. fuck you.

24. having the hotel hot tub all to myself every morning at 5 am.

25. all the sweat pouring off my face at the quickies reading.

26. the table that gave away the free mini hand cuffs.

27. 116 dollars for parking.... really, fuck off chicago.

28. devising the most clever system ever to maximize the amount of free beers one can recieve during the free beer hour at the reception. seriously. my technique is legendary.

29. eating bill's pizza that he was saving for the train because i accidentally thought he said i could have it.

30. watching pimps do their pimp thangz. (those who have ears let them hear)

31. losing my voice because i never once shut the fuck up the entire week. not once.

32. watching erin and lauren man (woman?) the taco table and everyone kept looking in their trash can thinking it was some sort of abstract art piece.

33. gena spilling all the wine.

more later when i think of it.



this list rules.

great to hang out with you. next time let's play some cards so i can take dat cash

DOGZPLOT said...

thanks man. it was really cool meeting you.

did you guys end up playing poker. i gave jereme my number and he said he'd call me if you guys were playing.

if you go next year we really should organize a legit event and get it listed on the off-site schedule.

shit would be real son.

Rachel said...

And THIS is what makes a kick-ass party, eh? Chicago aint' all bad. If it had been anywhere else (aside from Indy) I probably wouldn't have made it. :) You licked some dude's face??

Antonios Maltezos said...

That's a mad recap if I ever read one. Sounds like you had a memorable experience, Barry. Sounds like Heaven, actually. Wish I was twenty something again. Oy, but did you stop drinking once you realized the beer belonged to some old guy?

DOGZPLOT said...

hey im glad you checked into the blog. i actually have something in the mail i sent you but i must have miswrote the address because they sent it back, so send me a mailing address so i can resend.

no, i didnt stop drinking. actually the bartender came and tried taking the dirty cup and i said no im good and she thought i was a fucking idiot. i made her keep his half a pitcher on the table too.

damn bartenders will rip you off if you let them.

take care my man.