DONDADA. MY MAN'S FREESTYLIN' ON SOME JEEZY, SCARFACE, DMX HYBRID SHIT. FAKE NIGGAS PEEP GAME

Super Bowl Predictions

White Chocolate Mousse addicts moisten up to nose rings at the spa.

A Son of A Son of a fill in the blank smuggles wet wipes into the airport that is its air-tight redundancy.

Someone does something meaning I don't mean that.

The next sentence is instead of me.

29/30.

MORE STUFF TO READ

MORE STUFF TO READ

Blake Butler & Sean Kilpatrick - Anatomy Courses

Ken Baumann - The Sky Went Red While He Was Inside

FUCKSCAPES. SEAN KILPATRICK

fuckscapes by Sean Kilpatrick
100 pgs. /// Dec. 2011 /// $12 ///

“The violent, sexual zone of television and entertainment is made to saturate that safe-haven, the American Family. The result is a zone of violent ambience, a ‘fuckscape’: where every object or word can be made to do horrific acts. As when torturers use banal objects on its victims, it is the most banal objects that become the most horrific (and hilarious) in Sean Kilpatrick’s brilliant first book.” – Johannes Goransson, author of A New Quarantine Will Take My Place

“Pregnancy dream of poetry has this Sean Kilpatrick book by the fist. You learn to signal to others from the woken state, here, line-by-line. Do you have any extra money? Buy this book! If you have to skip lunch, buy THIS BOOK! “I held my breath so hard I ended up in the country.” Some poetry you read is forgotten, and never remembered. Some poetry, this poetry, Sean Kilpatrick’s poetry, is a manual for exciting the engine to throw you out of the vanquished pleasures. Here is your I.V. drip of sphinx’s blood.” – CAConrad, author of The Book of Frank

excerpt:

dolemite

motherfucker my stains dance
in trumpet cast clouds
by faint progression like torn
skin off money
ho

physicians break my caravan
to crave a scalp this
low

bitch I doggy paddle the stars
in jars of petty absence
where love most is I slapped
a straight jacket on and got fancy
in the cunt of evenings gone

overture of pockets now
swiping my balls on god

MORE STUFF TO READ

NFL 2012 PLAYOFF PICKS - WILDCARD WEEKEND

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans

Cincinnati isn't as strong as they should / could be, but there are just too many injuries on the Texans side. If it was Houston mid-season I would say this is a no-brainer, not only would Houston win this one, but they may have been able to get all the way to the AFC Championship with a first round bye. But all that's gone. Sorry Houston. Next year is yours to lose though.

Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints

Saints are at home and the Lions are two years away from prime time. New Orleans takes this one, but not as easily as people are thinking.

Winner: New Orleans Saints

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Denver Broncos

Something is wrong here that a very mediocre Broncos squad gets home field over a much much better Pittsburgh team, but that's the way it goes. Even with home field, and the miracle of God and Heaven shining down on Denver and Tebow. Their time is up.

Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers

Atlanta Falcons vs. New York Giants

This may be the hardest game to pick. I like Atlanta's run game here, but New York has a way of winning in the playoffs when you don't think they can. And they are at home. 

Winner: New York Giants

NEW YEAR'S EVE IN NYC 2011-2012

New Year's Eve 2011-2012, also known as the eve of the end of the world. What better place to spend it then NYC?

Feet were killing when we got there. Tired as fuck. Back hurt from carrying a heavy ass back pack all day. Legs hurting more than they should because I'm a lazy bastard. But all that aside. The night was pretty bad ass. Thousands and thousands of people. Maybe millions. Met lots of silly ass people. Surprising, lots of French folks. One of which had no trouble digging in her nose and rolling the boogers around on her fingers like no one noticed or gave a fuck, but I guess if she didn't why should we? French, Ukrainian, Korean, Indian, Japanese, Australian, everyone from everywhere but Manhattan.

People were pretty packed in by 8pm, too tight. Saw Drake for like 10 minutes. The policed barricaded us in then proceeded to push us all around like assholes, but whatever, it lead to maybe my favorite moment ever. The guy, pictured above, standing beside me, taps me on the shoulder, like "ay man, you mind if I take a piss right here?" "I don't know man, I don't want that shit splashing all over me." "No, I got this bottle and my penis hole is pretty small." "Alright, man, go ahead." So, my man, proceeds to piss in the bottle. Some people watching and giggling, some people turn away appalled. This one dude kept pretending to look away but turned his head every two seconds to see his dick. When he finished I asked him if I could get a pic with him holding the bottle. And he obliged. He seems too proud in the pic maybe, like a kid catching a first fish. Anyway, I was happy about it. He put the bottle in his pocket and his wife kept hitting him and stopped talking to him for maybe a half an hour. Awesome. 

Then shit got weird. The police decided to make everyone squeeze in even closer, so they pushed everyone back. Crowd wasn't feeling it. Lots of angry exchanges between civilians and cops. Then everyone started acting silly. People lighting weed up everywhere, everyone trying to smash through the barricades until they were snatched up. At least ten fights broke out just in our area. More cops came, then more cops, police dogs, screaming, chaos. Some lady passed out drunk and the ambulance came. Everyone clapped when she got back up. People breathing and sweating into other people.

Then, of course, someone tried squeezing in way too close and fell off the sidewalk into the crowd. People were falling over. Everyone starts pushing. Police yelling. People screaming back, pushing harder. People falling everywhere and cracking their heads. Arrests were made. Random threats made every few minutes. Everyone got squeezed in so tight, no one could move. Women were crying, pets were getting trampled, kids getting separated from their parents, people getting drug out of the crowd before/while fainting. No one could move. At some point I heard a girl yell, "haha, you're that guy who pissed in the bottle, awesome." Everyone's body parts were on someone else's. Every couple minutes women yelling for people to stop touching all up in their ass. One of them I felt particularly bad for was a 15 or 16 year old girl who was very nice and friendly but somehow got separated from her father and was smashed between six men and she was one of the females who kept yelling about her ass over and over. Trash piling up, broken bottles, more weed. More police. People yelling about their pockets getting picked. People squeezed even tighter. At some point my arm got pinned behind my back with no way to move it. People kept yelling that they see Lady Gaga. Silly shit.

Then, like magic, people started counting down and somehow, loosening up. People jumping up and down, screaming, noisemakers, counting down, ball dropping, fireworks, and the world made total fucking sense and it was 2012 and I loved life and everyone seemed glad for a solid two minutes.

Then it was time to clear out and it was as expected. People and police and trash and piss and vomit everywhere. People finding food and cabs and trouble and shit was real. All of this happening on every block and side street all over the city.

Everyone saw all this on TV, right? What? Just Carson Daly and Lady Gaga? No way? 

So, yeah, that was that. Glad I went, met some cool ass folks, but I'd never do that shit again... or would I? 

'11 in Tens

“Is graduation ten letters because I want to make out?”

I live in a complex amidst one HEIRESS license plate.

Some veggie burgers are noticeably greener than others’ fart hallelujahs.

The ranch is not a condiment but Dent May’s flavor.

Spare washers, dryers do not count as cuddles or spouses.

I can climb inside a dumpster swearing WE A FARM.

Sweet potatoes act as babies when they are your stomach.

She says Marlboro after I sound it out for her.

The square is a skank away from a juice bar.

When you think of somewhere else, know you will soon.

"BEN TANZER" THEME ISSUE

DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION "Ben Tanzer" theme issue. Same guidelines as always, which pretty much means no guidelines. Keep them under 200 words and every story must contain "Ben Tanzer" somehow, someway. Have fun and thank you very much for all the support.

Send to:

dogzplot.press@yahoo.com

FAST MACHINE. ELIZABETH ELLEN. PERIOD SEX

LONG DRIVE / SHORT FLIGHT presents...

http://www.hobartpulp.com/minibooks/fastmachine.html

Dan Wickett once described a Mary Miller story as "a slightly less gritty Elizabeth Ellen story." We're not sure what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. We like the word gritty. And we're obviously huge fans of Mary Miller and her stories. And grit. The stories in Fast Machine come in three sizes: flash, regular, and too-long-for-journal-publication. Some were previously published. Some are brand-spanking new. One is called "Period Sex," for Barry Graham/Kendra Grant Malone. There are slightly more than four hundred pages. There are no acknowledgments (i.e. no three-page thank you to everyone she met at every writers' colony). Zero epigraphs. There are repeated themes: driving, smoking, teenagers, drinking, escape, the Midwest, masturbation, self-loathing and blood. We hope some of you will like it. It's okay to hate it though, too. 

ELIZABETH ELLEN's bio video:

http://vimeo.com/28876149

MORE STUFF TO READ. RYAN BRADLEY. CODE FOR FAILURE

http://ryanwbradley.blogspot.com/p/code-for-failure.html

FAST FOOD 2011. NEW PRODUCT REVIEW

Here's a list of new menu items at various fast food restaurants, from 2011, that I've tried. Some were good. Some sucked ass. 

TACO BELL

Dorito Tacos

So, you don't live in Ohio or southeast Michigan so you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. You're bad. Because, though I'm not usually a fan of Taco Bell, this shit is delicious. Regular tacos with Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Dorito shells. Fuck what ya heard. 

XXL Chalupa

There's actually more meat stuffed in there (or what passes for meat at Taco Bell) instead of just more lettuce and refried beans. I liked them.

Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich

It is what the name says and for just a dollar it beats the shit out of the normal fast food dollar menus when you get tired of them. Give it a go. It's pretty decent shit. 

McDONALD's 

French Vanilla Frappe 

Huge fan of the frappe. French vanilla flavored, blended cappuccinos. These things are delicious. Fuck Starbucks. Fuck your favorite indie java joint. Fuck Pluto not being a planet. Fuck Jay-Z. Fuck french fries and french apple pies. But the french vanilla frappes are amazing. My favorite is caramel, then mocha, then french vanilla. Try them all. Love them. Embrace them. 

Oatmeal

Didn't have a chance to try this but my daughter did and she says it's good shiz and she's a pretty picky eater. So, I'd take her word.


Caramel Apple Yogurt Parfait

CARAMEL. APPLE. YOGURT. PARFAIT. What? You didn't hear me the first time. Yum. 

WENDY's 

Thicker Juicer Burgers 

Exact same weight as the less thick, less juicer burgers, weighing in at 1/4 lb. But the difference is, the grill guy doesn't smash and press the shit out of em. The patties are smaller, but thicker. No real difference in taste, so you either like Wendy's burgers or you don't. I do. I appreciate cold condiments. I don't know why. 

Sea Salt Fries 

Wendy, I know you're daddy's gone and everything, but what the fuck were you thinking? I still love you, though. Call me. 

BURGER KING 

Chef's Choice Burger 

This thing is pretty good. Little over a 1/3 lb. Bacon, cheese, red onions, romaine, some weird ass wanna be Big Mac sauce, on a tasty artisan style bun. I liked it a lot. It's a little dry so I substitute the weird sauce for traditional Whopper style mayo and ketchup (catsup???). Charging five dollars just for the sandwich is pretty fucking ridiculous though. Get your shit together BK. 

New Thicker Fries 

Same as the old shitty fries, only bigger, so more shit.

ARBY's

Philly Sandwich

"Best Philly sandwich outside of Philly" get the fuck out of here Arby's. This statement is only true if you limit yourself to what's on your menu and even then it's questionable. Don't get me wrong, it's decent. But it's no Philly. They would have had done better to market it as a regular roast beef sandwich with the added amenities, instead of weighing it down with hype it can never live up to. I ate a better Philly at a fucking gas station. 

STEVE ROGGENBUCK. GOOD GRACIOUS. ASS BODACIOUS.

25 MOST BEAUTIFUL COLLEGE LIBRARIES IN THE WORLD. U OF MICH REPRESENTIN'

UNIVERSITY of MICHIGAN law library

COMPLETE LIST HERE:

http://flavorwire.com/240819/the-25-most-beautiful-college-libraries-in-the-world

PRICK OF THE SPINDLE. 5.3

PRICK OF THE SPINDLE

5.3

http://www.prickofthespindle.com/

100 SEXIEST WOMEN OF ALL TIME. MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINE

17. ANNA NICOLE SMITH


12. SCARLETT JOHANSSON

COMPLETE LIST HERE:

http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/hottest-women-all-time

HINT FICTION FILM CONTEST. 25 WORDS. 1 MINUTE

HINT FICTION FILM CONTEST

25 WORDS

1 MINUTES

CELEBRITY JUDGES

KEVIN SMITH

TAO RUSPOLI

PRODUCER

ROBERT SWARTWOOD

INFO HERE:

http://www.hintfictionfilm.com/Hint_Fiction_Film/The_Contest.html

MORE STUFF TO READ. JAC JEMC. JUSTIN SIROIS

New issues of HOBART and ELIMAE are pretty great too:

HOBART

http://www.hobartpulp.com/website/december/nufer.html

ELIMAE

http://elimae.com/new.html

10 FAVORITE BOOKS I READ IN THE SECOND HALF OF THE YEAR. 2011

10 FAVORITE FROM FIRST HALF OF THE YEAR

(without commentary or justification and maybe not in order)

1. The Lone Surfer of Montana, Kansas - Davy Rothbart (reread)

2. The Sisters Brothers - Patrick DeWitt

3. The Singular Exploits of Wonder Mom & Party Girl - Marc Schuster

4. The Virgin Suicides - Jeffrey Eugenides

5. The Lover's Dictionary: A Novel - David Levithan

6. Waiting - Ha Jin

7. The White Boy Shuffle - Paul Beatty (reread)

8. Rule of the Bone - Russell Banks (reread)

9. You Can Make Him Like You - Ben Tanzer

10. I AM THINKING I WILL RUIN IT AHEAD OF TIME AND TELL YOU WHAT I AM THINKING WHICH IS PARK IT YOURSELF. METALLICA BREATH. I AM THINKING I STOOD WITH MY PEN BUT YOU WERE NOWHERE - Nicolle Elizabeth

Honorable Mentions

Yellow Medicine - Anthony Neil Smith

The Dead Man - Georges Bataille

BOOKS I COULDN'T WAIT TO READ BUT ENDED UP BEING A BIG TIME LET DOWN

Lost Memory of Skin - Russell Banks

American Pastoral - Phillip Roth

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides

DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION ANTHOLOGY 2012

artwork courtesy of Amy Crockett

photograph courtesy of Chari Crockett

DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION ANTHOLOGY 2012

Coming soon...

ML PRESS. STAMP STORIES ANTHOLOGY

[ C. ] An MLP Stamp Stories Anthology is shipping now & to celebrate, we've done two things: First, we hooked up with the wonderful & freakishly good Scott Garson to create a special edition of Wigleaf, including thirteen original Stamp Stories by thirteen of our [ C. ] authors, all online & free here. Second, we are putting [ C. ] on sale for the next few days, giving you one-hundred Stamp Stories by one-hundred of the greatest contemporary writers, all for $10 with free shipping here. Good right? We thought you'd like it. So, read the special Wigleaf, order a sale copy before our deal expires, & then wait hummingly at your mailbox for the likes of some beautiful new Mud Luscious.

Stamp Stories are texts of 50 words or less, printed on 1×1 cardstock, & shipped free from participating presses. We wanted to tie together the indie press community in a vibrant yet viable way, & so this venture was born. Through 2010, we solicited stamp-sized texts from 100 authors & distributed the physical Stamp Stories through more than 40 participating presses. [ C. ] collects all of these texts into one perfect-bound edition.

Participating Authors James Tadd Adcox, Jesse Ball, Ken Baumann, Lauren Becker, Matt Bell, Kate Bernheimer, Michael Bible, Jack Boettcher, Harold Bowes, Jesse Bradley, Donald Breckenridge, Melissa Broder, Blake Butler, James Chapman, Jimmy Chen, Joshua Cohen, Peter Conners, Shome Dasgupta, Andy Devine, Giancarlo DiTrapano, Claire Donato, Elizabeth Ellen, Raymond Federman, Kathy Fish, Scott Garson, Molly Gaudry, Roxane Gay, Steven Gillis, Rachel B. Glaser, Amanda Goldblatt, Barry Graham, Amelia Gray, Sara Greenslit, Tina May Hall, Christopher Higgs, Lily Hoang, Tim Horvath, Joanna Howard, Laird Hunt, Jamie Iredell, Harold Jaffe, A D Jameson, Jac Jemc, Stephanie Johnson, Shane Jones, Drew Kalbach, Roy Kesey, Sean Kilpatrick, Michael Kimball, M. Kitchell, Robert Kloss, Darby Larson, Charles Lennox, Eugene Lim, Matthew Lippman, Norman Lock, Robert Lopez, Sean Lovelace, Josh Maday, Dave Madden, JohnMadera, Kendra Grant Malone, Tony Mancus, Peter Markus, Chelsea Martin, Zachary Mason, Hosho McCreesh, Alissa Nutting, Riley Michael Parker, Aimee Parkison, David Peak, Ted Pelton, Adam Peterson, Ryan Ridge, Joseph Riippi, Adam Robinson, Ethel Rohan, Joanna Ruocco, Kevin Sampsell, Selah Saterstrom, Davis Schneiderman, Zachary Schomburg, Todd Seabrook, Ben Segal, Gregory Sherl, Lydia Ship, Matthew Simmons, Justin Sirois, Amber Sparks, Ken Sparling, Ben Spivey, Michael Stewart, Terese Svoboda, Sean Ulman, Deb Olin Unferth, Timmy Waldron, William Walsh, Rupert Wondolowski, James Yeh, & Desmond Kon Zhicheng-Mingdé.

Participating Presses Artifice Magazine, Artistically Declined Press, Atticus Books,Barge, Blood Pudding Press, Blue Square Books, Calamari Press, Cow Heavy, The Cupboard, Dark Sky Books, Dzanc Books, Ellipsis Press, Fairy Tale Review,Featherproof Books, Gigantic, Greying Ghost, Hobart, The Iron Rail, Ink Monkey Mag,Keyhole Books, Kitty Snacks, Lazy Fascist Press, Magic Helicopter Press,Monkeybicycle, Narrow House, Opium, Outside Writer’s Collective, Pank, Paper Hero Press, Pear Noir!, Pilot Books, Publishing Genius Press, Quick Fiction, Ravenna Books,Scrambler Books, Starcherone Books, Typecast Publishing, Tyrant Books, Word Riot Press, & Yes Yes Books