REGULAR SEASON BY CONFERENCE
AFC EAST
-- MIAMI DOLPHINS
-- NEW YORK JETS
-- NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
-- BUFFALO BILLS
In spite of their intimidating appearance, Buffalo have already proven themselves to be pretty fallible, allowing their species to all but disappear at the hands of early American settlers. They are the first ones eliminated. Next are colonial-American Bostonians with their shitty muskets and clam chowder. Their tea party shenanigans will never hold up in a cut throat twenty-first century battle royal. Now the obvious choice is a Jet. What can stop a Jet? What can defeat an F-16 or an SR-71? In this group? Nothing. But... nothing has to. Don't underestimate the wisest and most enlightened of us mammals, the Dolphin. They will simply glide beneath the ocean's surface, underestimated and forgotten, until the human controlled Jet runs out of fuel, the Jet crashes, the pilot is critically injured but manages to survive. Without medication, food, or water the pilot's health deteriorates until infection sets in and food and water run dry. The Dolphin will then reemerge and remind us all of it's superiority.
WINNER: MIAMI DOLPHINS
ACTUAL WINNER: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
AFC WEST
-- SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
-- KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
-- OAKLAND RAIDERS
-- DENVER BRONCOS
As with the case of the Buffalo in the AFC EAST the first to go in this battle will be the Bronco. It's unfortunate, but with modern weapons and technologies available to some mascots and supernatural abilities available to others, I just don't see how animals can win an unfair fight. The interesting matchup here is the Chief vs. the Raider. Warrior vs. Pirate. Seafarer vs. Nomad. This battle comes down to intelligence. The Raider will be extremely reluctant to leave its terrain. The water and the ship are crucial to their victory. But the spiritually superior Chief has patience on his side. He will wait, ready, alert and the exact moment the Raider abandons ship to enter unknown territory, that's when its over. Superior hunters and warriors on their home turf, the Chiefs wins that matchup. The wild card here is the Charger lightning bolt. How does that come into play? Depends on your perspective. Or does it? If you believe in God, a higher power, a deity who controls the wind and stars and sun and lightning, then Zeus sits on Mt. Olympus reigning the bolts down and destroying the Chiefs at will. Too bad America is a nation that believes in the separation of church and state. Sure, for now the lighting bolts don't do much. The Chief dies in the same fashion as the the poor Jet pilot. Dehydrated and starving, waiting for a fight that never comes.
WINNER: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
ACTUAL WINNER: DENVER BRONCOS
AFC NORTH
-- CINCINNATI BENGALS
-- BALTIMORE RAVENS
-- PITTSBURGH STEELERS
-- CLEVELAND BROWNS
Remember what I said about animals not winning? Scratch that. The hard knock Pittsburgh Steeler mill man is tough, and put in a battle royal of humans fighting to defend the toughest American cities I'd give them a legit shot, but not here. Maybe the Steeler could defeat a dog or whatever the hell a Brown is, but that's where it ends. Steeler beats Brown, then it's over for him. Man has no ability to pull a Raven from the sky and kill it. And Man vs Bengal tiger? We know how that one will go. So what's left? Tiger vs. Bird. How will this play out? I'm not sure. Maybe it can't. A tiger will fight but a bird is too smart to get in its way. Maybe. Or maybe when faced with starvation the Raven will attempt to pick on the tiger. I can't call it. If its a starvation battle, a tiger can last longer than a bird. This conference is boring. Not a lot of action although all competitors are strong and battle ready.
WINNER: CINCINNATI BENGALS
ACTUAL WINNER: CINCINNATI BENGALS
AFC SOUTH
-- TENNESSEE TITANS
-- HOUSTON TEXANS
-- JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
-- INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Unfortunately, this will be the most lopsided battle royal in any division. We have a Texan, the most ignorant and backwards of all Americans, and a Colt, which can't put up much of a fight. The mindless, senseless Texan will shoot it just to shoot something. Now the Jaguar. A mighty creature by any standard. It could easily chew up and swallow a Texan, but humans don't play fair and Texans carry guns. But that leaves the Titans and what short of a God can defeat a Titan? Not a mere mortal. We will be beaten, tortured, and promptly devoured.
WINNER: TENNESSEE TITANS
ACTUAL WINNER: HOUSTON TEXANS
AFC PLAYOFF WINNER
-- TENNESSEE TITANS
-- SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
-- MIAMI DOLPHINS
-- CINCINNATI BENGALS
Although a monster in their own division, the Bengal falls quickly here. The Animal Kingdom is no match for some of the greatest forces of the universe. Even the humble, quiet Dolphin is susceptible. When electricity meets water we all know the outcome. So this is it, the moment of truth. Is there a God or not? You decide. Quickly. Too late. I decide for you. We're scientists now. You get what you've asked for. No Zeus to control those bolts. The Titans storm the mount, ride the lightning, and put them safely into the ground. And do so easily.
AFC WINNER & SUPERBOWL REPRESENTATIVE: TENNESSEE TITANS
ACTUAL WINNER & SUPERBOWL REPRESENTATIVE: DENVER BRONCOS
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