DOGZPLOT NEWS...

Monday, March 5, 2012

WAWA RAP. AMY BUTCHER. A.K.A. WAWA JIZZA

Monday, February 27, 2012

Monday, February 20, 2012

Saturday, February 4, 2012

DONDADA. MY MAN'S FREESTYLIN' ON SOME JEEZY, SCARFACE, DMX HYBRID SHIT. FAKE NIGGAS PEEP GAME

White Chocolate Mousse addicts moisten up to nose rings at the spa.

A Son of A Son of a fill in the blank smuggles wet wipes into the airport that is its air-tight redundancy.

Someone does something meaning I don't mean that.

The next sentence is instead of me.

29/30.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

FUCKSCAPES. SEAN KILPATRICK

fuckscapes by Sean Kilpatrick
100 pgs. /// Dec. 2011 /// $12 ///

“The violent, sexual zone of television and entertainment is made to saturate that safe-haven, the American Family. The result is a zone of violent ambience, a ‘fuckscape’: where every object or word can be made to do horrific acts. As when torturers use banal objects on its victims, it is the most banal objects that become the most horrific (and hilarious) in Sean Kilpatrick’s brilliant first book.” – Johannes Goransson, author of A New Quarantine Will Take My Place

“Pregnancy dream of poetry has this Sean Kilpatrick book by the fist. You learn to signal to others from the woken state, here, line-by-line. Do you have any extra money? Buy this book! If you have to skip lunch, buy THIS BOOK! “I held my breath so hard I ended up in the country.” Some poetry you read is forgotten, and never remembered. Some poetry, this poetry, Sean Kilpatrick’s poetry, is a manual for exciting the engine to throw you out of the vanquished pleasures. Here is your I.V. drip of sphinx’s blood.” – CAConrad, author of The Book of Frank

excerpt:

dolemite

motherfucker my stains dance
in trumpet cast clouds
by faint progression like torn
skin off money
ho

physicians break my caravan
to crave a scalp this
low

bitch I doggy paddle the stars
in jars of petty absence
where love most is I slapped
a straight jacket on and got fancy
in the cunt of evenings gone

overture of pockets now
swiping my balls on god

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Saturday, January 7, 2012

NFL 2012 PLAYOFF PICKS - WILDCARD WEEKEND

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Houston Texans

Cincinnati isn't as strong as they should / could be, but there are just too many injuries on the Texans side. If it was Houston mid-season I would say this is a no-brainer, not only would Houston win this one, but they may have been able to get all the way to the AFC Championship with a first round bye. But all that's gone. Sorry Houston. Next year is yours to lose though.

Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

Detroit Lions vs. New Orleans Saints

Saints are at home and the Lions are two years away from prime time. New Orleans takes this one, but not as easily as people are thinking.

Winner: New Orleans Saints

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Denver Broncos

Something is wrong here that a very mediocre Broncos squad gets home field over a much much better Pittsburgh team, but that's the way it goes. Even with home field, and the miracle of God and Heaven shining down on Denver and Tebow. Their time is up.

Winner: Pittsburgh Steelers

Atlanta Falcons vs. New York Giants

This may be the hardest game to pick. I like Atlanta's run game here, but New York has a way of winning in the playoffs when you don't think they can. And they are at home.

Winner: New York Giants

Sunday, January 1, 2012

NEW YEAR'S EVE IN NYC 2011-2012

New Year's Eve 2011-2012, also known as the eve of the end of the world. What better place to spend it then NYC?

Feet were killing when we got there. Tired as fuck. Back hurt from carrying a heavy ass back pack all day. Legs hurting more than they should because I'm a lazy bastard. But all that aside. The night was pretty bad ass. Thousands and thousands of people. Maybe millions. Met lots of silly ass people. Surprising, lots of French folks. One of which had no trouble digging in her nose and rolling the boogers around on her fingers like no one noticed or gave a fuck, but I guess if she didn't why should we? French, Ukrainian, Korean, Indian, Japanese, Australian, everyone from everywhere but Manhattan.

People were pretty packed in by 8pm, too tight. Saw Drake for like 10 minutes. The policed barricaded us in then proceeded to push us all around like assholes, but whatever, it lead to maybe my favorite moment ever. The guy, pictured above, standing beside me, taps me on the shoulder, like "ay man, you mind if I take a piss right here?" "I don't know man, I don't want that shit splashing all over me." "No, I got this bottle and my penis hole is pretty small." "Alright, man, go ahead." So, my man, proceeds to piss in the bottle. Some people watching and giggling, some people turn away appalled. This one dude kept pretending to look away but turned his head every two seconds to see his dick. When he finished I asked him if I could get a pic with him holding the bottle. And he obliged. He seems too proud in the pic maybe, like a kid catching a first fish. Anyway, I was happy about it. He put the bottle in his pocket and his wife kept hitting him and stopped talking to him for maybe a half an hour. Awesome.

Then shit got weird. The police decided to make everyone squeeze in even closer, so they pushed everyone back. Crowd wasn't feeling it. Lots of angry exchanges between civilians and cops. Then everyone started acting silly. People lighting weed up everywhere, everyone trying to smash through the barricades until they were snatched up. At least ten fights broke out just in our area. More cops came, then more cops, police dogs, screaming, chaos. Some lady passed out drunk and the ambulance came. Everyone clapped when she got back up. People breathing and sweating into other people.

Then, of course, someone tried squeezing in way too close and fell off the sidewalk into the crowd. People were falling over. Everyone starts pushing. Police yelling. People screaming back, pushing harder. People falling everywhere and cracking their heads. Arrests were made. Random threats made every few minutes. Everyone got squeezed in so tight, no one could move. Women were crying, pets were getting trampled, kids getting separated from their parents, people getting drug out of the crowd before/while fainting. No one could move. At some point I heard a girl yell, "haha, you're that guy who pissed in the bottle, awesome." Everyone's body parts were on someone else's. Every couple minutes women yelling for people to stop touching all up in their ass. One of them I felt particularly bad for was a 15 or 16 year old girl who was very nice and friendly but somehow got separated from her father and was smashed between six men and she was one of the females who kept yelling about her ass over and over. Trash piling up, broken bottles, more weed. More police. People yelling about their pockets getting picked. People squeezed even tighter. At some point my arm got pinned behind my back with no way to move it. People kept yelling that they see Lady Gaga. Silly shit.

Then, like magic, people started counting down and somehow, loosening up. People jumping up and down, screaming, noisemakers, counting down, ball dropping, fireworks, and the world made total fucking sense and it was 2012 and I loved life and everyone seemed glad for a solid two minutes.

Then it was time to clear out and it was as expected. People and police and trash and piss and vomit everywhere. People finding food and cabs and trouble and shit was real. All of this happening on every block and side street all over the city.

Everyone saw all this on TV, right? What? Just Carson Daly and Lady Gaga? No way?

So, yeah, that was that. Glad I went, met some cool ass folks, but I'd never do that shit again... or would I?

Friday, December 30, 2011

'11 in Tens

“Is graduation ten letters because I want to make out?”

I live in a complex amidst one HEIRESS license plate.

Some veggie burgers are noticeably greener than others’ fart hallelujahs.

The ranch is not a condiment but Dent May’s flavor.

Spare washers, dryers do not count as cuddles or spouses.

I can climb inside a dumpster swearing WE A FARM.

Sweet potatoes act as babies when they are your stomach.

She says Marlboro after I sound it out for her.

The square is a skank away from a juice bar.

When you think of somewhere else, know you will soon.

Monday, December 26, 2011

"BEN TANZER" THEME ISSUE

DOGZPLOT FLASH FICTION "Ben Tanzer" theme issue. Same guidelines as always, which pretty much means no guidelines. Keep them under 200 words and every story must contain "Ben Tanzer" somehow, someway. Have fun and thank you very much for all the support.

Send to:

dogzplot.press@yahoo.com

Friday, December 23, 2011

FAST MACHINE. ELIZABETH ELLEN. PERIOD SEX

LONG DRIVE / SHORT FLIGHT presents...

http://www.hobartpulp.com/minibooks/fastmachine.html

Dan Wickett once described a Mary Miller story as "a slightly less gritty Elizabeth Ellen story." We're not sure what that means, but it sounds kind of cool. We like the word gritty. And we're obviously huge fans of Mary Miller and her stories. And grit. The stories in Fast Machine come in three sizes: flash, regular, and too-long-for-journal-publication. Some were previously published. Some are brand-spanking new. One is called "Period Sex," for Barry Graham/Kendra Grant Malone. There are slightly more than four hundred pages. There are no acknowledgments (i.e. no three-page thank you to everyone she met at every writers' colony). Zero epigraphs. There are repeated themes: driving, smoking, teenagers, drinking, escape, the Midwest, masturbation, self-loathing and blood. We hope some of you will like it. It's okay to hate it though, too.

ELIZABETH ELLEN's bio video:

http://vimeo.com/28876149

Friday, December 16, 2011

FAST FOOD 2011. NEW PRODUCT REVIEW

Here's a list of new menu items at various fast food restaurants, from 2011, that I've tried. Some were good. Some sucked ass.

TACO BELL

Dorito Tacos

So, you don't live in Ohio or southeast Michigan so you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. You're bad. Because, though I'm not usually a fan of Taco Bell, this shit is delicious. Regular tacos with Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Dorito shells. Fuck what ya heard.

XXL Chalupa

There's actually more meat stuffed in there (or what passes for meat at Taco Bell) instead of just more lettuce and refried beans. I liked them.

Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich

It is what the name says and for just a dollar it beats the shit out of the normal fast food dollar menus when you get tired of them. Give it a go. It's pretty decent shit.

McDONALD's

French Vanilla Frappe

Huge fan of the frappe. French vanilla flavored, blended cappuccinos. These things are delicious. Fuck Starbucks. Fuck your favorite indie java joint. Fuck Pluto not being a planet. Fuck Jay-Z. Fuck french fries and french apple pies. But the french vanilla frappes are amazing. My favorite is caramel, then mocha, then french vanilla. Try them all. Love them. Embrace them.

Oatmeal

Didn't have a chance to try this but my daughter did and she says it's good shiz and she's a pretty picky eater. So, I'd take her word.

Caramel Apple Yogurt Parfait

CARAMEL. APPLE. YOGURT. PARFAIT. What? You didn't hear me the first time. Yum.

WENDY's

Thicker Juicer Burgers

Exact same weight as the less thick, less juicer burgers, weighing in at 1/4 lb. But the difference is, the grill guy doesn't smash and press the shit out of em. The patties are smaller, but thicker. No real difference in taste, so you either like Wendy's burgers or you don't. I do. I appreciate cold condiments. I don't know why.

Sea Salt Fries

Wendy, I know you're daddy's gone and everything, but what the fuck were you thinking? I still love you, though. Call me.

BURGER KING

Chef's Choice Burger

This thing is pretty good. Little over a 1/3 lb. Bacon, cheese, red onions, romaine, some weird ass wanna be Big Mac sauce, on a tasty artisan style bun. I liked it a lot. It's a little dry so I substitute the weird sauce for traditional Whopper style mayo and ketchup (catsup???). Charging five dollars just for the sandwich is pretty fucking ridiculous though. Get your shit together BK.

New Thicker Fries

Same as the old shitty fries, only bigger, so more shit.

ARBY's

Philly Sandwich

"Best Philly sandwich outside of Philly" get the fuck out of here Arby's. This statement is only true if you limit yourself to what's on your menu and even then it's questionable. Don't get me wrong, it's decent. But it's no Philly. They would have had done better to market it as a regular roast beef sandwich with the added amenities, instead of weighing it down with hype it can never live up to. I ate a better Philly at a fucking gas station.