Read AFC Picks HERE
REGULAR SEASON BY CONFERENCE
NFC EAST
-- NEW YORK GIANTS
-- DALLAS COWBOYS
-- PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
-- WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Cowboys and Indians fought a winner-take-all, no-holds-barred battle royal once before and we all know how that turned out, so this will be no different. The American Cowboy, master of the western frontier, proud, loyal, patriotic to a fault. And that's the problem here. Considering the Eagle is the national mascot, the faithful Cowboy will refuse to attack. But the mighty Eagle, always on the hunt, roaming the Earth (skies) as a lion, seeking whom he may devour (those who have ears let them hear) will attack the moment it senses weakness. But their effort is all in vain. The Giant, waiting patiently, Godzilla like in its fierceness and fury, its power and willingness to return its opponents to ash, will grab them both, quickly, ferociously in one fell swoop. Skin them. Make them bleed.
WINNER: NEW YORK GIANTS
ACTUAL WINNER: NEW YORK GIANTS
NFC WEST
-- SAN FRANCISCO 49'ERS
-- SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
-- ARIZONA CARDINALS
-- ST. LOUIS RAMS
This is an interesting division. Lots of birds, which usually fair well in these battle royal scenarios, but here's why this time it's different. First things first, a 49'er pick axe cracks right through the skull of the lowly Ram. And it's over. Now the birds. Unlike other battle royal ready winged warriors, Seahawks and Cardinals aren't predators. They spend quite a bit of time on land looking for food. And that will be their downfall. The 49'er. Goldminer. Trapper. Hunter. Fisher, Gatherer. Will easily use the tools at their disposal to trap both birds and squeeze the life out of them. Without mercy.
WINNER: SAN FRANCISCO 49'ERS
ACTUAL WINNER: SAN FRANCISCO 49'ERS
NFC NORTH
-- CHICAGO BEARS
-- MINNESOTA VIKINGS
-- DETROIT LIONS
-- GREEN BAY PACKERS
Sad news for Packers fans. They don't really have a mascot and no one really knows what the fuck a Packer is so I will just say that, Packer man, whoever you are, you die first in this scenario. From there a number of different scenarios could play out but this is the one I'm going with. The Viking is strong, one of the greatest warriors in the history of the world and if this were a battle royal of historical armies you couldn't go wrong siding with a Viking. But here's what happens here. The Viking gets caught off guard, double teamed by both Lion and Bear. The faster, hungrier, greedier Lion gets there first and hits hard, ripping the shit out of that Viking, but not without giving him a moment to react, a second to deal a fatal blow. And he does. But not without being left severely wounded, leaving the great Bear to tear apart their flesh and feast on their innards.
WINNER: CHICAGO BEARS
ACTUAL WINNER: CHICAGO BEARS
NFC SOUTH
-- ATLANTA FALCONS
-- TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
-- CAROLINA PANTHERS
-- NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Sure, we get it, Saints are sinners like the rest of us, but with no weapons but holy water and a Bible, they get their bones crunched and their lungs punctured pretty quickly by the Panther, and their limbs pulled apart and eaten. The Bucs sit back watching, waiting for the right moment to fire. And they do. The Panther drops dead next to the Saint carcass and begins its slow ride to decomposition. And the Bucs rejoice in their victory, beers and wenches all around, but they've forgotten about their final opponent, the always watchful Falcon, sharp, acute, heartless. The Bucs party hard. Collapsing from syphilis and rot gut rum. And they never wake. The Falcon swoops in and slowly, meticulously, picks apart the pirates, one peck at a time. One eyeball. One piece of flesh. And then there was one.
WINNER: ATLANTA FALCONS
ACTUAL WINNER: ATLANTA FALCONS
NFC PLAYOFF WINNER
-- NEW YORK GIANTS
-- CHICAGO BEARS
-- SAN FRANCISCO 49'ERS
-- ATLANTA FALCONS
Based solely on size, strength and confidence from early dominance and superiority, the Giant fears nothing. He pays no attention to the Bear attacking, killing, and eating the 49'er at his feet. His only focus is the pesky Falcon, overconfident from past triumphs, pecking in vain at his face. He grabs it. Squeezes it. Crushes it. And lets the remains fall slowly to Earth. The Bear feels the bird's remains fall flat against its face, but due to his meal, barely notices. The Giant barely lifts his foot, then crushes the Bear beneath it. Game over.
NFC WINNER & SUPERBOWL REPRESENTATIVE: NEW YORK GIANTS
ACTUAL WINNER & SUPERBOWL REPRESENTATIVE: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (who don't win their division but still make the playoffs as a wildcard, win the conference, and rep the NFC in the Big Show)
SUPERBOWL
-- TENNESSEE TITANS
-- NEW YORK GIANTS
This is really no contest. Titans have already overthrown Zeus and his mighty lightning bolt reliant Chargers. Even if we consider them not as immortal Gods who ruled over the Golden Age, but merely as vengeful and bloodthirsty entities capable of destroying anything in their path, we realize this battle will be bloody and very short lived
SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: TENNESSEE TITANS
ACTUAL SUPERBOWL CHAMPIONS: DENVER BRONCOS
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