INTERVIEW - lauren becker

This isn't really an interview. This is more of a series of correspondences arranged in the form of an interview. Lauren Becker is a recent contributor to Dogzplot.


I’m gonna start this out by asking for your hand in marriage. Let’s just get it over with. Will you marry me?

Absolutely. Yes, a million times yes. I’ve loved you since 3rd grade.

Good. It’s done. So I read somewhere that you like cupcakes. I like cupcakes, too. What kind? I like anything chocolate.

Yes, anything chocolate rocks. I guess our wedding cake will have to be chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. Or even better, yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

So now that our mutual taste in food has been established… I have to tell you about this interesting rejection letter from a guy who wanted my story to roll him up in a carpet and throw him over his own shoulder.

I know that guy. He asks everyone who submits to do strange things with him on carpets. He's pretty cool. One time he made me roll him up and smear sour cream and refried beans all over his face like a burrito. It was during AWP last year in NYC. It was the best day of my life. You ever been to AWP? You should hitchhike there. It’s in Chi-Town.

As much as I like burritos, you're too nice about this guy. He is definitely a douche. Because he rejected my story. Well, the story is not actually that good. I played with it some more and submitted it to a couple of other mags that I hope will not be douches. Or have high standards.

Do you think I should take the names of the rejecting mags off the blog? It's probably a little douchey of me.

What is AWP? Since I don't know what it is, I probably don't go there. But if it's that great, tell me what/where it is and I will go, as I have plenty of spare time and I’m tired of watching cartoons.

I was just watching Big Big World. The main character is a sloth. It’s bad ass. I love cartoons. You? I bet Jessica Rabbit gives really good head.

I don't actually LOVE cartoons but they can be ok. I'll have to check BBW out. No comment on your defamation of Jessica Rabbit, whom I adore, and sometimes fantasize about while writing my sex stories. I did enjoy Fat Albert as a child and Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist as an adult. I know it's not cool and edgy but I'm neither cool nor edgy and I'm ok with that.

And about the hitchhiking. I'm not currently in the mood for being raped and killed. But as soon as that mood strikes, I'll hit the truck stop and get as far as I can before the rape/murder occurs.

Yeah, come to think of it, I don’t know if women would have the same luck hitchhiking as I have. My personal best is Reno to Brooklyn in 3 ½ days. Good point. Don’t do that.

I won't. Thanks for looking out for me. If I were not a "not ugly" girl, I might give it a shot. I could at least hop into one of the cars that pick people up to go across the Bay Bridge so they can use the carpool lane.

I’ve never crossed the Bay Bridge. Maybe I will soon. I ripped off your blog idea and posted one of my own rejections today. It was from ***** **** ****. He took one of mine before. He's pretty cool.

How come you're so nice about your rejectors? Be bitter, like I am. It's way more fun. You and ****** (from **** ****) are way nicer and cooler. Because you accepted my stuff. I'm petty like that.

I like *****. I tried to get her to lick my penis once, but she wouldn’t.

She wouldn’t lick me either but I still like her.

So what are you reading these days?

I’m in the most awesome book group in existence. Because I started it on meetup.com and I'm totally hardcore so I got rid of the losers. I was a dictator at first and chose all the books and people hated me, but I didn't care. OK, I cared a little because I don't like it when people are mean to me.

I picked books that were written by really good authors, but were not their prize-winners or well-known (like Paul Auster -- Oracle Night). No Oprah (ick, ick, ick). So I handpicked a 7 person group, stepped down as dictator, and we rotate on book pickers, each bringing 3 and then we vote. My least favorite person in the group, who is a sweetheart but very literal, is a doctor and she picked a book called The Wrong Boy (Willy Russell), which is written in the form of letters to Morrissey (of the Smiths, which I'm sure you knew). It's pretty good. You in a book group?

I’ve never heard of this Morrissey or Willy Russell or Paul Auster or the Smiths, unless you are referring to Adam Smith, the father of American Capitalism or Kristy Smith, the black haired girl who gave me head in 9th grade.

But yeah, I’m in a reading group, and we’re pro-Oprah, we follow her religiously, so we have nothing more to discuss in that regard. Let’s talk more about rejection letters. Mine are not particularly interesting. All I say is “thanks for the submission, but I’m gonna pass” Should I be doing more?

Yeah, you threatened to pass on mine, which was going to get you a place on my blog of shame. I think you need to be more specific. And mean. So people can hate you and talk about you on their blogs. That nobody reads.

You’re right. Nobody reads. Books, blogs, nothing. Not even this one. Fuck. Do you have a wedding dress yet?

Yes. In anticipation of your proposal, last week I bought a lovely, frilly lace masterpiece at BBW Brides R Us, but, as I am somehow up to 432 pounds from 421, I am having it altered to fit my big, beautiful girth.

However, I am reconsidering our betrothal, as you write fucked-up stories about toothpaste and sex.

Wow. You’re packing on the pounds. Could we be pregnant? Sweet. I’ll check out all the baby books from the library. We’ll name her Sylvia or Virginia. Ernest or Hunter if it’s a boy.

Wait a minute. You tell me my story idea about having sex with a girl while pushing her head into a sinkful of bloody toothpaste, while alternately changing the water from hot to cold, is messed up, yet you write stories about getting off on using other peoples dildos and then leaving them dirty for the next person to use (which is 100 percent hott -- that’s why I asked you to marry me)? Whatever girlie. How old are you anyway?

Twelve. And a half. Pervert. And it's a vibrator, not a dildo. Dildos would just be gross. Vibrators are way more classy. And my story was not hott -- it was sad, though if you liked the vibrator part, that's ok, too. How's your writing going? Can't wait to get a free copy of your book instead of a lame Tiffany engagement ring.

No freebies baby. Ass, cash, or hash. I’m old school. And don’t worry, I wasn’t gonna give you a ring. I have something for you that’s way more classy. It’s homemade.